The results are in from the first ever Halifax Underground Celebrity Pie Eating Contest, held Saturday night at the Seahorse. It was an ugly competition. It was sickening. It was more pie going in and on people at once than anyone really cared to see. And it only lasted fifteen minutes.

According to Gerry of the Hunter Street Party Authority, the winners are:

First Place: Desmond Troyer! (2.2 pies?)
Second Place: Jon Epworth! (1.9 pies, and mild point losses for puking.)
Third Place: Crystal Thilli! (1.6 pies)

I would like to point out that although I may not have placed, I did eat 1.3 pies, which considering my size and less-than-healthy state that night, was pretty damned good. I even beat Darren from Flagship Sinker/Slitch who easily has 50lbs on me.

It should also be mentioned that Rachael Parsons, of the Hunter Street Party Authority was disqualified after 7 minutes for throwing the game, having eaten barely a morsel, showboating with her miniature utensils, and making a mockery of the contest.

The next day, I had to do inventory at work, and I really felt it hard. It felt like a brick in my stomach, a sugary, pie-flavoured brick that just wouldn't go away.


The show itself went very well. Risky Business ("Risky - Business - Risky Business that's us!") was awesome, and so was Oh God, right until Jim snapped the neck off of his guitar. (Quote: "That was the dumbest fucking thing I've ever done.") And we (Sharp Like Knives) went over really well too I think. Lots of dancing.

How the hell am I supposed to eat 3 pies in fifteen minutes, let alone play a show tonight, when I feel like this?

Symptoms: sore throat, headache, mild-nausea.

I had to call in sick today, which I felt kind of guilty about, knowing that I'm going to be playing a show tonight. But really, I'm in no shape to be at work. I'm just really really hoping that I'll feel better enough by tonight to play.

So even if I don't win the pie-eating contest (I'm sure you were all breaking the bank betting on me.) then at least you'll have the pleasure of watching me vomit apple pie all over Jon Epworth.

Everyone with the means to should try to make it out to the Seahorse Tavern on Saturday to see what promises to be a memorable show!

Aside from seeing my band (Sharp Like Knives) with Oh God and Risky Business.. you'll also have the extreme pleasure of watching me participate in the first ever Halifax Underground Celebrities Pie-Eating Contest! The competition will feature members of Slitch, Flagship Sinker, The Tragedies, Hell City Love, Sharp Like Knives and The Dean Malenkos. Yes that's right, I'm going up against my good pal, and self-professed eating machine, Jon Epworth. I'm a little nervous.
You can also see the competitors duke it out verbally before the show, right now, by clicking here. (I'm not listed, because I'm replacing JD who dropped out. Pfft. Good thing I ain't vegan.)

I will admit one thing: Sharp Like Knives has not practiced in weeks. We will probably keep our set fairly short, but that will not make it any less than a full-on dance party, so get ready for it.

Word.

PS: With any luck, there will be pie-eating pictures here soon-after.

Coming home from my terribly busy morning of errands, I was pleasantly surprised to find some mail had landed my way. (or, the way of Team Willow rather.) Picking it up, I immediately recognized it as one sent by noneother than Seth Smith, former Willow Streeter, current Burdock, and my better half in Yo Rodeo!

With the Burdocks on the road right now, I've had to rely on their online tour diary which Seth wholly ignores, and sporadic emails to keep posted on his misadventures. And so it was with great joy (and with happy eyes) that I took and read this postcard aloud, and I did sing it's praises both in this world, and in that electronic inter-world.

Seth is doing well.

Also: His love for stencil-art has apparently increased tenfold. I am happy to know it.
Also: It would seem that word has reached him of my love for owls.

When he returns, Yo Rodeo! will destroy Halifax with unconceivable radness never before seen in this province.

Gigposters.com is a webforum for people who make posters for rock shows. Seth and I post all of our show-related posters there, and talk on the message boards, etc. It's a great place to get feedback from people who are in the same field as you, and an invaluable source of information for poster artists as well as screenprinters.

Tonight's link was happily discovered in the screenprinting messageboard, and has officially been dubbed "cutest ever". Screenprinting with kids is possibly the best idea I've ever heard.

Mental note: If somehow, I ever wind up being legally responsible for a child, or even just influencially present in a child's life... teach that child to screenprint. Also, look into the possibility of teaching printmaking workshops to kids. Also, be excellent to each other. (Thanks Rufus.)

Today marks the second Willow Street Weekly Stoop and Summer Beverage Relaxation Party. At one o'clock pm we will be assembling on the stoop to celebrate summer at it's finest, as we plan to do every weather-permitting Sunday this summer.

But today's Stoop Party has a special theme:

Sunday, May 23rd, 2004, contributing members of Team Willow will align themselves in solidarity with the Grey Sweatsuit Revolution by donning the party's uniform, the Grey Sweatsuit. Visitors are encouraged to wear grey sweatsuits, or grey sweat-garments if at all possible, but should also feel welcome to attend no matter what their attire. As with all Stoop Parties, guests are invited to bring their own favourite Summer beverages, special favourite cups, or appropriate snacks, and relax with Willow Street in the warm summer sun. Drop-ins are also welcome, and a selection of House beverages, glasses, and amusing straws will be made available to everyone.

See you there!

Tamara and I biked out to walmart yesterday and got our sweatsuits, in preparation for the revolution. At only $14 a pop, it was a pretty sweet deal. Thank you Walmart.

There was a bit of controversy in the change room, trying to decide what size of sweatpant would be appropriate for a boy of my age, and size. Clearly, the boys large size were designed with my numbers in mind, but I couldn't stop trying on the mediums. Yes, they are a little tight. Yes, there are moments when you may think you can see something that you may not want to. Yes, my ass is way too small, and looks hilarious when hugged by grey cotton jersey. But a decision was made: Smaller is better!

With my new uniform, I'm ready for my attempt at revolution. The G.S.S.R. is a challenging ethos, but I'll give it my best. I'm going to start by proposing the sweatsuit as my work outfit. I'm not sure what Chris will think, but I think that the ol' art store could use a little sweat.

Also: it would seem that Luke, aka OptimusMontreal received my revolution package. I was disappointed to find that he was less than thrilled at the idea of the whole thing. As a matter of fact, his response was downright heartless. With such reckless, and sharp sloganeering, someone could lose an eye.

And so, a challenge was made: A slogan duel has been set, and we will soon see who will be the most persuasive.

I will see you on the battlefield, friend.
Bring your sweats. The revolution will be leisurely!

While looking for some source photos to use in an album cover for my good pal Abi, I did some rudimentary google searches for grizzly bears, (also: owls) and roughly nine pages in, buried amidst a myriad of beautiful but ultimately disappointing bear related photographs, I found this little guy pictured above. So I followed the link [included below] and was directed to a treasure trove of priceless photographs from room 16 of Turtleback Elementary School in San Diego, California.

These kids are so awesome!

Those damned masks are so very very awesome!

Awesome!

The Willow Street Awesome Authority regrets to announce that this week's Sunday Stoop and Summer Beverage Relaxation Party has been cancelled due to a lack of appropriately beautiful weather.

Haligonians are however, encouraged to show up next week for a very special themed Stoop Party. On Sunday, May 23rd, join the Willow Street Gang and friends in supporting the Grey Sweatsuit Revolution with our very first G.S.S.R. public event, the Sunday Grey Sweatstoop and Summer Beverage Relaxation and Revolution Party!

As with our weekly Stoop Parties, guests are invited to attend the full 3 hours of scheduled front-stoop relaxation and bring a sample of their favourite summer beverage, or to drop by at any time for a refreshing glass and some friendly summer conversation. This time however, guests are also encouraged to wear grey sweatsuits, in alignment with the G.S.S.R. movement. G.S.S.R. literature will be made available, and anyone who doesn't have access to a grey sweatsuit can show their support with grey sweatsuit pins and wristbands which will be freely available at the event.

Come and Relax. Throw fashion out the window. Wear a god damned sweatsuit!

Gaze into the eyes of a professional bike thief, loyal readers. This gentleman was met leaving from our backyard by my pal and roommate Jon Knowles.

It was 3:30pm (IN THE AFTERNOON! IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!) and Jon was leaving for downtown, when he ran into this smiley chap, happily making off with Tamara's (yet another roommate) bicycle, named MiniMinnow. He greeted Jon, and cheerily said "What's up?"

In point form, the events were as follows:

- Jon informs thief that this is not his bicycle.
- Theif informs Jon that he "borrows bikes here all the time."
- Jon corrects him, and asks him to hand the bike over.
- Thief apologizes, but makes no effort to return the bike.
- Jon takes the bike from him.

At this point, Brent Wadden (roommate, aussi) ran downstairs and takes the opportunity for a photo-op, snapping two or three pictures of our handsome thief, who didn't seem to really mind in the least. After having his photo taken, he quickly made off, in a manner best described as shifty.

Why did Brent decide to take out the camera? Who knows really.

I think a better question might be: What is this person doing with a NEEDLE BEHIND HIS EAR?!

The stoop party was a total success, even though there were those [Cough. Simone. Cough.] who didn't believe that anyone would show up. In fact, far more people than ever anticipated attended, and many of them did indeed bring beverages!

Some surprise beverages included: Lime-Aid, (brought by Kelly) apple cider (brought by Rob) and a blockbuster Kool-Aid special combining strawberry and orange into one all-star strawborange flavour! And Rachel Parsons surprised everyone, and secured her immense popularity by showing up, not with a beverage, but with a tray filled with apple/blueberry crisp, of which short work was quickly made of.

Our primary agenda of extreme leisure was rigorously held to, broken only for a moment, in order that we could assemble closer, for a celebratory photograph in honour of a very special lady, my mother. As a matter of fact, we took the time to think not only about my mother, but about all of our mothers. Those special ladies whom we love.

And so, in support of mothers everywhere, OptimusCrime Halifax offers you, the readers, printable versions of the special Halifax Mothers Day Stoop and Beverage Leisure Party 2004 Commemorative Photographs. You can reach the larger, print-size photos by clicking on the ones above. Once the large photos have loaded, just right click, and save them to your hard drive, then print them out at your leisure. The print size is 4 x 5.3 inches.

Hint: Once framed, the first photograph makes an excellent gift for the mother of anyone who attended the party. The second photograph would also be a suitable gift for the mothers of any readers who share the name Paul.

And as a special bonus: For those of you who want something a little more personal, or who were not able to attend the stoop party, or who were just to lazy to do anything for your mom, there is a third, customizable photograph, which you can print and then use a pen or marker to personalize with your own name. Once framed, this photo will surely win the heart of even the cruelest stepmother! You'll find it here!

The Keepers and Caretakers of Willow Street Manor, (6015 Willow Street, Halifax, NS) would like to extend a formal and open invitation for all locals, to the first weekly Willow Street Sunday Stoop and Summr Beverage Relaxation Party!

The leisurely event(s) will take place on the front stoop of the House of Willow, every Sunday, weather permitting, between the hours of 1pm and 4pm. Summer beverages will be provided, along with cups and straws. Guests are encouraged to come for the full three hours, and bring their favourite beverage, (or other stoop-appropriate devices/objects/consumables) or to drop by for a glass or two of any beverage provided by Willow Street and guests.

Suggested beverages for the stoop events: Kool-aid, (various flavours) Freshee, Lemonade, Lime-aid, Soda, Water, Iced Tea, etc.

Todays Beverages: Kool-aid (cherry and grape)

We hope to see you there.

I've finally made it.
NSCAD unveiled it's new, updated website recently, and lo and behold, there I am, in full, unflattering colour in the Grad Program section. I vaguely remember this photograph being taken, and I know it doesn't really classify as a bad picture, per se, but it's definitely no glamour shot.

Then again, maybe that's a good thing.

PS: Nova Scotia College Of Art and Design University? Jesus.

After having defamiliarized myself with many of my old regular (read: compulsive) websites, I've rediscovered Metafilter, and have subsequently begun to remember why I originally became so disenchanted to begin with.

A public weblog/forum/discussion group for topics from current news events to almost anything else, Metafilter has a lot of potential, and does often prove interesting. The problem, I'm re-realizing is the lurking general political climate there. And it's not just idiots like ParisParamus always ready to jump in, waving flags and spewing shit. It's becoming increasingly clear that the general metafilter populous is either leaning comfortably to the right, or pleasantly middling out.

I guess it makes sense in a way. I mean, it seems like it consists mostly of that popular young office crowd, like the protagonists in Microserfs. It's the comfortable middle class. You know, the new young liberals. The people they make sitcoms about.

It's a room full of cynical watercooler nerds, who don't mind talking about the easy-to-discuss downsides to capitalism, and can enjoy/tolerate a well-placed anti-Bush quip, but who honestly believe that Iraq needs American soldiers right now to "get things rolling in the right direction".

Then again, if it weren't for Metafilter, I may never have found this.