Illustrations; Left: Paul 'last week' Hammond, Right: Luke 'bling' Neville.

Not ten minutes after having finished my illustration for next weeks issue of The Coast, (that's next week, not this coming week) I sent it off to my close chum, Editor Montreal for review and criticism. Montreal and I have a wonderful, if not competitive relationship, wherein we often run visual concepts by each other as a test-audience. It's been dare I say, mutually beneficial so far, but tonight there was a new development: I was usurped. No, tonight Luke sent back a little more than just advice. He sent competition, fierce and stunning!

I had just divulged that since The Coast pays a minimal $30 per small illustration, (no complaints though. From a free weekly in Nova 'economic purgatory' Scotia, that's just fine.) I try to limit my efforts to between one and two hours, thus making my earnings anywhere from $15 - $30 an hour. That ain't bad.

And how does my dear friend respond? "For thirty dollars, here's what I'd send em." And there followed the most beautiful, carefully rendered illustration I had ever laid eyes on. This would make Nate Williams cry with joy. Thanks a lot Luke. Way to show me the eff up.

I just hope nobody at The Coast reads this site, or they might give you my job.

With over 30 varieties of bizarre or unpopular soda pop, 15 of which were rigorously reviewed by our assembled panel of experts, the first Halifax Soda Pops Explosion was a complete success!

The results of the reviews are currently being tabulated by our experts, and will be posted as soon as they are available. I bet you're all anxious to find out which was the most popular tasting soda, aren't you? You're all probably thinking "Yeah, I mean, I just assume that Choopan Original Yogurt Soda will walk away with the prize for deliciousness. But I want to know for sure!"

Well, stay tuned.

And in the mean time, talk to Editor Montreal, and ask him how the friggin' Pixies were last night. Lucky son of a bee.

Ok, so it's been a while since the breakup of The Literati. And in a lot of ways I still miss that band. I know that Greg is with me on that one. I listened to the tape for the first time in months yesterday, and you know what? I loved that band. I love these songs. So here they are, free for the taking. I decided it was about time to make them 'public property'.

01 The Giving Tree
02 Adam Link: Robot
03 The Plague
04 North American Time
05 The Rubaiyat
06 Frankenstein

"The Literati is dead. Long live The Literati."

Just over three months later, I was finally starting to get used to this business of 'being single'. I was enjoying it, even. Sure, having another body to warm a winter bed is always nice, and there are lots of other benefits to companionship, but you know what? Being single is all right! And I mean that in the warm, southern accented, "Alllll Rightt!!!" kind of way, which indicates not just indifference, but dare I say it - appreciation.

So imagine my surprise this morning when, while walking to work, I happened upon a very interesting poster stapled to a pole on Barrington Street, downtown Halifax. Not only was this poster visually eye-catching, but it carried a very intriguing, and surprising announcement:

Apparently I am engaged to be wed.

This is not usually the kind of news you get second hand. I don't think it is, anyway. As it turns out, the author of the poster is a high school student enrolled in the Khyber Kids weekend art classes. And apparently it's semi-serious. Well, no, I mean, it's implications are genuine, not the wedding part. But you probably could have figured that out.

Now, I don't know if this was just a fun poster, or if there will genuinely be some sort of get-together at 1588 Barrington Saturday afternoon.. but it begs an important question: Should I go? My first response was "I'ma crash that!" I wanted to wear a suit, and show up to schmooze, and accept my congratulatory handshakes, and drinks - well wishings for a happy married life. But you know what? After some actual thought, a 24 year old man walking in to a room full of teenagers, one of whom has a non-secret 'crush on', just doesn't seem right, no matter what the intentions. So I then devised another scheme - one with a more transparent air of humour: Maybe I should go in disguise. That would be funny, and might excuse me from any actual crush-confrontation. But after more thought, I'm not sure that even that is really a 'comfortable' option. Cute or not, from a certain perspective, pretty much every option seems at least a little creepy. So I don't think I'll go.

I should at least inform my parents of the wedding though. They'll be so proud.

Monday, November 22nd will be remembered as a special day. It's the day that Optimuscrime.com gained worldwide recognition on the internet, with a little help from a guy in Vancouver, affectionately referred to as Timeistight. Thanks TIT. (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

And how did this happen? What started it all? Well, it may surprise you, and infuriate Optimuscrime Editor Montreal to know that we wouldn't be here if it weren't for a little something known as: The Grey Sweatsuit Revolution!

That's right, Montreal! The G.S.S.R. has reared it's ugly, leisure-filled head again, and this time, your public scrutiny of the terribly comfortable anti-fashion movement has pushed us all into the limelight. So, perhaps your irrational hatred of all things grey and plush wasn't exactly for naught, afterall. But we'll have to give at least half the credit to our good friends at the G.S.S.R.

Ok, ok. I understand your hesitation. I know as well as you do that this is a [whisper] bogus [/whisper] revolution. I know you can't turn fashion on it's ass just by getting mad fucking comfortable in elasticized waistbands. But I also know that as an art project, this is funny. And dare I say - interesting. Maybe even engaging.

If nothing else, they know how to get noticed. And our statscounter tells me that maybe we ought to be sending them and metafilter a thank you card.

On behalf of Team Willow, in conjunction with Optimuscrime.com, you are cordially invited to attend the very first Halifax Soda Pops Explosion! and Chip Fair. The Pops Explosion is an extension of the Pops Montreal Event pioneered earlier this month in Montreal by the ICRM and Optimuscrime. The event will take place this Saturday, November 27th at Willow Street Manor.

Please come and help us celebrate the wonderful, and sometimes bizarre diversity in the world of carbonated sodas. Guests are encouraged to bring one unusual type of soda to share with others. We will be reviewing 15 core soda pops, which will remain a surprise until the party. All guests will be asked to participate in our review-survey.

R.S.V.P. in order to secure a spot on the Review Panel. Official Reviewers will be responsible for reviewing in more detail, one pre-selected soda from the core 15. The results will be published in the next issue of the 6015 Explosion! and online at both OptimusCrime Halifax. and Team Willow Online.

Uncommon varieties of potato chips will also be available at this "Pop and Chips Party", though they will not be reviewed. Guests may also feel free to bring unusual chips to the party.

We hope to see you there.

Despite my ardent inactivity, and a growing reputation for ground-breaking lethargy, your shut-in editor of Optimuscrime Halifax has somehow managed to garner an award in The Coast's yearly "Best of Halifax" Reader's Poll. Apparently, you don't have to actually 'produce' a whole lot (at least not in the last 4 months) in order to be awarded the title of "Best Visual Artist". You can just ride on the tails of your previous work, and a strong, friendly relationship with the good folks at The Coast.

Which is just fine with me. I sheepishly, and gracefully accept.

It's nice though. I mean, I'm sure that I won with all of like, 7 votes or something, but it's still kind of cool. I got a plaque. (That cute little guy to the left of this text.) And I got to go to the Best of Halifax Party last night. As a matter of fact, the whole of Team Willow was invited, which was a nice little nod.

The party was what I thought it might be: Schmoozy. But enjoyable nonetheless. The sound system was unfortunately appalling, so you could barely hear anything anyone said. But the videos were mildly entertaining, it was kind of fun going up and shaking Kyle Shaw's hand. (a hand I've shaken on other occasions, but never with such theatrical pride.) And the hors d'oeuvres. Oh lord, the hors d'oeuvres!

Ok, so maybe there was actually only 3 or 4 different kinds of little treats going around, but of those 3 or 4 varieties, there were literally tonnes! And they were effing delicious, especially to a man who had not eaten but a tea biscuit since lunch. In order of deliciousness: Mushroom Pillows, (anything that includes 'pillows' in the name is probably delicious) Miniature Spanikopita, (which were served searing-hot) and of course Miniature Samosas.

My personal highlight of the evening of course, served to mostly make me look like a huge, 'too cool' jerk. Readers might like to know what kind of asshole they're supporting by checking in on this 'website' every now and again. The night was barely begun, I had just checked my coat, and received my pin that states clearly "Best of Halifax 2004 WINNER" from the door people, when I ran into Coast editor and chief, Kyle "7 hundred feet tall" Shaw. And the following conversation ensued:

Kyle: Hey Paul! Good to see you, congratulations!
Myself: Hey Kyle! Thanks a lot.
Kyle: Oh hey, you got your 'winner pin'. Pretty sharp.
Myself: Oh, yeah. These are cool. I was just about to put it on.... I.. You know what, maybe I'll just keep it in my pocket. I don't think I want to wear this actually.
Kyle: Oh. Uh.. ok.

And so, what was intended to be a gesture of modesty, (that is, I felt uncomfortable wearing a button that declared me a 'winner' for fear of appearing too proud) actually served to make me look like a big snobby snob. Awesome.

So I eventually put the pin on, and hoped that Kyle would forget about it.

Pancake Mountain, a Washington D.C. based childrens television program on cable-access, is possibly the most adorable example of vibrant people, and vibrant scenes pushing on through middle-age, and finding new ways and new vehicles for their energy. This low-budget educational program, created by Scott Stuckey features animated shorts, puppets and best of all, appearances (both musical, and otherwise) by dozens of local high-profile sub-culture veterans.

With songs performed by Ian Mackaye (Minor Threat, Fugazi), Henry Rollins (Black Flag, Rollins Band), Bob Mould (Husker Du, Sugar) and many more, this show is not your average children's programming. But it does maintain a very child-like sensibility. It's engaging, entertaining, and it's full of ideas, which is probably the most important thing children's programming can offer. I realize I have a bias here. I know it's not perfect. But I love the idea of people like Ian Mackaye getting older, and finding new ways to remain active in youth-culture. (Mega-youth culture!) It's not just punk rock, there's folk singer Vic Chesnutt, hip-hop outfit UnCalled4, and many more.

The charming theme song was even written and performed by Kathy Wilcox of Bikini Kill.

This song is probably one of the catchiest, and cutest things I've heard in months!

-----
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It was with great hesitation, or at the very least, a hesitant two seconds before the actual clicking of the mouse, that I downloaded Firefox, the new version of Mozilla's open-source based web browser program. I was already familiar with Mozilla. It's what I use to blog. Some of you mac users may have already noticed that for some reason or other, Safari just doesn't seem to like Blogger's interface, making posting, editing, etc. terribly difficult. And so Mozilla was my sweatpants. My nerdy reading glasses. It had a specific function that it served, but otherwise, it's very existence was ignored, if not outright denied.

Note: Let's make one thing clear - I have a macintosh. I am not a 'Mac User'. It is not becoming of an Optimuscriminal to 'identify' with a platform. As a matter of fact, Optimuscrime does not support Mac's efforts to promote their system or it's users as any sort of 'fringe' or 'creative outside'.

But Firefox. Ah, my sweet Firefox. My love for you is so new, yet so very very pure. This browser has brought out in me, a nerd so deeply buried, I had almost forgotten he existed. I've found myself excitedly downloading new extensions. (An FTP client built into my browser? Could this all be a wonderful, wonderful dream?) With so many changeable preferences, etc, this is more exciting than when IE first hit the scene back in early highschool. Yeah, that's right. I just admitted to being excited about Microsoft in my naive youth. Deal with it. You were too.

Advanced pop-up blocking, better security, advanced search features, and... wait for it... wait for it..... Tabs! Yeah, fucking tabbed browsing, fuckers! I'll happily admit that I haven't been so excited about such a simple innovation in years. I love tabs! I would withstand firey torture in defense of tabs! Or something.

And speaking of firey torture: I finally saw Hell House last night. Fucking terrifying!

Dear Halifax:

Hi. It's us, YoRodeo. Some of you may have heard this already, but a couple of months ago, we had a bit of an accident in our former studio. Due to a mishap with a pressure washer, we had a bit of a leak, which led to some water damage in an office below us. After talking with everyone involved, we are now in a bit of a tight space. We need to come up with some money for the person who's computers and stuff were drowned, and their insurance company. Don't worry, it's nothing crazy, but it's more than we can afford right now.

We thought that you might like to join us this Saturday for a rock show that we're having to help us raise some much needed bling. The Burdocks will be there. Sharp Like Knives will be there. And Radarfame, and Special Noise will be there too. It's only $6 and the money will go to help get us out of this jam. We would really appreciate it if you came. We'll also be selling hand-screened posters for $10. They're commemorative, and they feature our ugly mugs looking all hard-up and stuff.

The show is this Saturday, November 13th, at the MicMac Native Friendship Centre on Gottingen Street. It's All-Ages, doors open at 7:30pm, and the cost is $6. We hope to see you all there. Thanks alot. We love you guys. xo. Seth & Paul.

Look, we're no monsters, we editors of Optimuscrime. We don't enjoy putting our loved ones through involuntary, life-altering surgery. We don't relish the idea of forcefully robbing our dearest friends of their beloved sexuality. But neither do we like the idea of hundreds of adorable little, bastard-strays, love-children of our closest friends roaming the neighbourhood in tiny bandanas, homeless, and helpless. (although we admit that visually, the idea of hundreds of little ones with tiny red bandanas is pretty effing adorable.)

And so it was with a heavy heart, and a sense of civic/social duty that we took our beloved friend, Elliot the cat to the Woodbury Animal Clinic to have his little "dude parts" carefully snipped off. It seemed to have been a relatively simple, albeit terribly expensive procedure. Elliot returned the same night, unscathed (emotionally) and just a few ounces lighter. The editors of Optimuscrime are pleased to report that the little guy is doing just fine - is just as chipper and excitable as ever.

Let us also note that despite his physical loss, Elliot's slightly more alarming alter-persona, "Hedonism-cat" appears to have remained almost fully in tact. So much so that we were all 'treated' to a generous display of self-indulgence in the livingroom just yesterday, only two days post-op. This was in fact, Willow Street's first encounter with the elusive 'pink crayon'. I must admit, dear readers, that I would be entirely satisfied were it also the last time I ever saw it. It was, at the very least.. alarming.


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